How well do you have to know someone before you stop saying you’re ‘fine’ and tell them how shit you’re actually feeling?
On the inside I’m crumbling to pieces, but outside I’m as hard as stone. Oh how looks can be deceiving.
Lately i’ve been feeling really sad and low, but no one really knows this. I get swings of this feeling as time goes by. Im not usually sure why, but its often triggered by something and it’s like my mind is choosing to over-think every tiny detail of the world around me and give me every bad thought, every bad memory it can. The feeling of loneliness this all brings spreads down my body before settling in the pit of my stomach. At night it is the worst, because i brain works over time and i have nothing to shut it off. It seems to take over and the lonely feeling spreads around my body until i feel numb. I feel like nothing. I honestly wonder why i have the few friends i do? Who would actually like me? It begins to make insane sense when the question of why my friends have social lives, why they go to parties, why they get to see all their friends all the time and i don’t. It’s because im nothing. This turns into jealousy and the numbness and lonely gets worse. My friends are forgetting me - ditching me for their new friends, boyfriends, parties. I desperately want some guy to come along and make me feel okay, but why would he? What guy would want someone like me? Im nothing special, just a girl with no social life, a fat everything, fake confidence and an over-thinking brain.
I hate feeling like this, but i feel even worse because i have nothing to make me feel like this, well not nothing but it’s not like i have a shitty life. I have a good family, a good education, a well supported life but on the inside, in my head, i feel so low. so low. It’s because i have no reason to be sad, that i
don’t can’t tell anyone about this. Because no one would take me seriously, no one would understand.
I wish someone could help me. I wish someone could love me. I wish someone could make me feel better.
I just want someone to love me, call me beautiful, let me cry in their arms, cuddle me when im down and say they’ll never leave. please.
There is always that one person that no matter how long ago they hurt you, you will always try to get back at them. Because you want them to feel the amount of pain you felt. Because you want them to know how much they fucking hurt you. You just want them to know even just a little of what you felt.
I’ve just spent the past half hour looking at university courses online, in an attempt to sort my shit out. A I have basically turned myself in to an anxious wreak with no clue of what direction i’m going in or what i am going to do for the rest of my life. great.